Once upon a time, the very privileged lived the way we still do,
in quiet luxury, elegance, grace.
It's an almost vanished way of life.
Not easy to hold on to,
and terribly expensive to maintain.
Good morning, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
It's a lovely day.
Thank you, Oliver. I do my best.
Miss Woodworth, wherever she is.
Fitzwilly!
Good morning, Miss Vicki. Morning.
Boys!
Gentlemen! You're in uniform!
Fall in.
I missed you yesterday.
I hate your day off.
Did you enjoy your luncheon with Mrs. Mudge?
No. Fool woman's on a diet.
Gave me one egg and a lettuce leaf.
Oh! Well, let's repay evil with good.
We'll give her chocolate souffle tonight.
Bless you. She'd gain a ton.
Where are you off to, Fitzwilly? Shopping? Mmm-hmm.
Do you want anything, Miss Vicki?
Well, you might pick up one or two African safari tents when you can.
African safari tents. Yes, ma'am.
So the boys can camp out.
It'll toughen them up for the dangers that lie ahead,
college, marriage, Wall Street.
Or Altman's during the holiday season.
Right down this aisle.
Thank you very much. Come on.
Silverware, please. Fourth floor, sir,
if you mean Sterling.
One hardly recognizes anything else.
Twelve demitasse,
twelve soup,
twelve butter knives,
six sugar tongs, you got that?
Good girl.
Charge that to Mrs. G. Duncan Abercrombie,
62 Sutton Place South and send it today.
Today? Mmm-hmm. For a cookout tomorrow.
It's an emergency, but you strike me as the type who can handle emergencies.
Don't you worry. It'll go out.
You just sign this.
Alistair Hathaway
for Mrs. G. D. Abercrombie.
Altman's Shipping. Fred Meyers?
Yeah, just a minute.
Gosh, I hope Mother hasn't taken a turn for the worse.
Fred Meyers speaking.
Oh, yes, Doctor. Are you at the flat with Mother?
No, dear boy, I am with the phone at Altman's
where a chest of silver, addressed to a Mrs. Abercrombie...
It has?
Straight to you?
Then take it as a sign, Garland, and send it to St. Dismas.
Ooh, of course, Doctor. And thank you very much.
Lord and Taylor Shipping, Fred Meyers speaking.
Well, yes, Doctor. How's Mom?
Certainly. I'll pick up the medicine as soon as I can.
Jensen's shipping room. Fred Meyers here.
Oh, yes, Doctor.
How did you find poor Mama?
Good hunting, sir?
Oh, fair bag, I'd say.
Silver, antique mirrors, color television set.
And now the Gourmet, I think, for some goodies.
And besides the Chablis,
I want four cases of champagne.
Taittinger Blanc de Blanc, 1961.
Deliver chilled at exactly 3:30 this afternoon. The reception is at 6:00.
It'll be there. Now, that's charge and deliver to Mr. Paul Deckendorfer,
at 349 West 79th Street.
Deckendorfer? Right. We'll give you a hand.
No trouble with the Deckendorfer butler?
No, he was too busy counting what Albert lost to him at gin.
Oh, very good.
Pierre, uh, let's have a case of that champagne inside.
That's a good idea, monsieur.
I think St. Dismas would want to share it with us.
Wait! Don't close up shop!
Twenty $10 ties on one sale slip.
How's that Mr. Fitzwilliam?
Well, I'll check the record, but I think that's a new high.
Dolly.
Good afternoon, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The silver came and went.
Oh, and very nice it was, too.
Thank you, Garland.
All right, Albert. Off to Philadelphia.
My regards to Uncle Buckmaster, of course.
And don't forget to reimburse yourself for the gin rummy game.
I'd rather take the loss, sir,
as a punishment for gambling.
Hey!
Well, children, a toast.
To our good neighbor, Mr. Deckendorfer,
from whom this evening's blessings flow.
I will now report on the state of our union.
St. Dismas Thrift Shoppe in Philadelphia
took in $5,100,
while our home organization, Serenity Through the Word,
reaped over $900, making a total of a neat, tax-free $6,000.
Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry, but most of that is gone, plus a bit more.
An old check of Miss Woodworth's just came through.
$10,000 to the Tenzing Mountaineer's School in Nepal. That's near Tibet.
Mmm.
She was reading The Conquest of Everest a few months ago.
Bless her heart.
Well, we must remember that if Miss Vicki sails out her front door
as though she owned the world,
it's because she thinks she still does.
Still, Mr. Fitzwilliam, it would be a comfort
if we could build up our reserve to cover things like this.
We can, Simmons.
We have an opportunity to make a rather large sum of money immediately.
Outside the door right now, in the pocket of a young interior decorator named,
uh, for reasons known only to his mother, Byron Casey.
Isn't that Pat Casey's boy
who used to be second footman at old Mrs. Nieberhaus' in Philadelphia?
Where my Uncle Buckmaster's been the butler for, lo, these 40 years.
What's the deal, sir?
Byron has been given $150,000
to refurnish the Horace Appleton house in West Palm Beach.
Ooh!
His problem is, he would like to keep as much of the cash as possible.
A problem sharpened by the fact
that he already spent a good deal of it on personal matters.
Now, Byron is eager to turn over the furnishing of the house to us
along with $75,000.
Now, it means some work for all of us,
but whatever we don't spend of the 75 is ours.
We don't need to spend any of it. We can keep the whole 75.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, let's do it!
- Oh, yes! - Yes.
Well, in that case, let's hear from the man with the problem.
Byron Casey.
Will you do it, Mr. Fitzwilliam? Will you take this and save me?
Uh, for the sake of your father, Byron, and auld lang syne.
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you all!
Hello, Garland. Remember me?
Oh, yes, indeed... And you can do it,
have everything down in Florida by January 3rd
when the Appletons get back from Europe.
You doubt it, Byron?
Not if you say so, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Thank you, Byron.
I know you have a plane to catch, so if you'll just give us
a list of the furnishings you'll need, exactly, we'll...
Oh. Carry on, Byron.
It's just Mrs. Mudge for dinner.
Oh, my!
I mean, hi.
Good evening.
I didn't mean to sound so startled.
It's just that I've never seen a butler in full rig before.
Are there many of you left?
We're getting scarce like so many things. Such as good manners.
Oh, was I rude? I'm sorry.
May I help you, Miss?
Um, well, you could start by letting me in.
My name is Juliet Nowell. I have an appointment with Miss Woodworth.
Uh, by arrangement with whom in reference to what?
By arrangement with her in reference to secretarial work.
I'm afraid I don't understand. Did Miss Woodworth get in touch with you?
I'm afraid I don't think that's any of your business,
but just to keep the peace,
she stopped by the personnel department of Columbia University
yesterday and asked them to send someone, so here I am.
Oh, yes. Come in. Sit down, won't you, while I explain.
Explain what?
I'm afraid I owe you an apology, Miss...
Nowell. ...Nowell.
I was supposed to have called you hours ago, but, well, it slipped by mind.
You see, Miss Woodworth is very old and rather eccentric.
So I'm sure you can understand that while she felt
urgently in need of secretarial help yesterday, today she does not.
Funny, when I talked to her at 4:00 today, she still felt urgently in need.
It's 7:00. More than enough time
for an eccentric old lady to change her mind, don't you think.
Fitzwilly, is that the girl from Columbia? Yes, it is.
Well, come on up. You're late.
Miss Vicki doesn't like to be kept waiting.
Out of some horror movie, that man.
I hope you don't talk to yourself, Miss.
She does, and I do, and we both hate it.
Well, my name is Juliet Nowell.
My father is an assistant professor of medieval English
at Columbia University where I'm doing graduate work in American history.
I have a B.A. from Smith, I'm a good typist, um, fair stenographer,
and I'd like a part time job because I want to buy a car
and go for rides in the country.
A good statement.
Most people tell too much or too little.
All right.
How do you spell geriatrics?
Uh, J-E-R-R-Y-A-T-R-I-X.
Wrong.
Well, there's always the dictionary.
There are 19 ways to spell it, 18 of them wrong.
How would you find it if you couldn't spell it?
I guess I'd use a synonym.
There is no synonym for geriatrics.
Of course, you could guess and look it up or guess again.
Or I could just stop wasting your time.
If you wanted a gifted speller, you don't want me.
Now, you sit down.
I'm a gifted speller.
I was just demonstrating the importance of my work,
which is writing a dictionary for people who can't spell.
I call it, Inquire Within.
I list all the ways that a word should not be spelled
and then tell you how it should be.
When it's published, children and illiterates like you
will rise as one and bless me.
But that's a fabulous idea!
You like it? Good!
Then if Fitzwilly passes on you, you can start tomorrow.
Fitzwilly?
The butler?
The butler has to pass on me?
What's the matter? Are you a snob?
Fitzwilly passes on everything here,
hires, fires, manages my money, balances my checkbook.
The man's an absolute marvel.
He's the thirteenth Fitzwilliam to be a butler.
Now what do you think of that?
I think it shows a lack of progress.
Come in.
You rang, Miss Vicki?
Will you talk over the secretarial job with Miss Nowell
and see what can be arranged?
Well, certainly, but... But you'd like a word with her first.
Of course. I'll wait downstairs.
I enjoyed meeting you so much, Miss Woodworth.
See you tomorrow.
You must have forgotten.
I've already hired you a secretary. She's due next week.
Do you mean Jane Fairchild, the Vanderbilt butler's niece?
She's got pink eyelids, like a bunny.
Anyway, we could use some fresh ideas around here.
And Miss Nowell struck you as teeming with great thoughts?
She didn't like you, either, Fitzwilly.
It'll make things interesting.
Well, I certainly don't want to force anyone on you, Miss Vicki, I just
wish I hadn't given the Fairchild girl my word.
Oh, dear. Did you?
Your word?
I can tell by the Cheshire cat smile that I haven't got the job,
but don't start telling me a lot of buttery butlery lies
because there's something I'd like to tell you.
Whatever you're up to with that wonderful old lady,
you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
You start tomorrow.
10:00 a.m. Four hours a day, $100 a week
because no matter what I am "up to" with that wonderful old lady...
Excuse me.
Fitzwilly, I'm dying of hunger. I am faint.
Good evening, Mrs. Mudge. The canopies are ready.
Charles, would you take Mrs. Mudge up?
And tell Grimsby I'd like to see her in my office.
...because I also find her wonderful and can deny her nothing,
even a secretary who obviously will be idiotic,
interfering and ill-kept.
Ill-kept? As you say.
We'll expect you at 10:00.
Good night, Miss Nowell.
Old Stanley Thayer Truelove Woodworth must have left her $10 million
or even $20 million.
Just hotting it up, Professor.
Thank you, Maggie.
I've been waiting 10 minutes for that molten lava to cool.
I don't wanna hurt her feelings. She loves me.
Oh, Father, you always think waitresses love you and they always do.
Seriously, should I take that job?
The dictionary sounds like fun.
Miss Woodworth sounds a little loony but a lamb.
All that bothers me is why they're paying you twice the going rate.
Well, it doesn't bother me.
If Miss Woodworth is all that rich, why would I care?
No, Juliet, the rich don't get rich or stay rich
by overpaying, over-tipping or remembering the doorman's birthday.
Anyway, I thought she left arrangements to the sinister butler.
Hey, that's right. And he hates me.
Now, why would he overpay me?
It's dangerous having that girl in the house, Claude.
Why'd you hire her? Especially after Miss Vicki gave in?
Because she was so sure I wouldn't.
I don't know why I hired her.
All I know is it's idiotic and now I have to unhire her.
I'll have to wait a few days, though.
And that's unfortunate. We have a new project...
Don't tell me. I don't wanna know.
Fitzwilly, when old Mr. Woodworth died and there wasn't a penny
and you started all this,
it was Miss Vicki, and I understood.
But it's different now.
You're robbing Altman's and Jensen's and Lord knows who else
because you enjoy it.
It's just that I'm so good at it.
Ah.
St. Dismas Thrift Shoppe.
Ah! Good evening, Fitzwilly.
I'm helping Albert to unload.
Eh? Yeah.
Yes, I think I can oblige you. I'm sure of the typewriter
and I'm pretty sure of the rest of the stuff.
Who's this for? The Fairchild girl,
the one with the pink eyelids, eh?
But, nephew...
Uh, Albert, finished?
Then join me in a bottle of Chablis.
You know my sentiments, Mr. Buckmaster.
I'll be starting back now.
Oh, no, no. You've got to wait a few minutes.
Fitzwilly wants you to take back a few things.
A typewriter, Xerox machine, some other things for the... For the new secretary.
Ah, yes, the Fairchild girl, the one with the pink eyelids.
He hired someone else, from outside.
But don't worry, Albert. He know what he's doing. Look around you.
The mind responsible for all this doesn't make mistakes, huh.
Only God doesn't make mistakes, Mr. Buckmaster.
Our Gimbels label.
Gimbels' Gimbels label.
Beautiful, Simmons, just beautiful.
Now, we'll need some for Jensen's and Lord and Taylor's
along with ID cards for three shipping clerks.
We should be able to find everything on Byron's list at one of those three stores
except possibly the grand piano.
We're going ahead with the Casey job in spite of the new secretary?
Certainly.
Simmons, did Sol Hurok answer our letter congratulating him on the new season?
Yes, I processed it at once.
Good. I feel rather musical today,
despite the new secretary about whom you all seem to be so nervous.
It's just that we've never had anyone in the house who wasn't one of us.
There's a lot around here a person could get suspicious of,
and she was suspicious to begin with.
And that's just why we're gonna let her stay at least a week.
Mr. Hurok's letter. I've erased everything but the signature.
Oh, yes.
Yes, thank you, Simmons.
Now, we are all going to be so kind and so friendly
that when she does leave, it'll be with love and with promises to write.
What's gonna make her leave?
I shall simply suggest to Miss Vicki and to Mrs. Mudge
that the other is looking a bit liverish,
and suggest that maybe a holiday away together
might be just what the doctor ordered.
When Miss Vicki goes, so does the secretarial job.
I told you Mr. Fitzwilliam would have something worked out.
She can do a lot of prowling in a week.
There are 12 of us, Charles, and only one of her.
Now, it shouldn't be too difficult to see that she doesn't get lonesome.
Starting now.
Good morning and welcome.
Good morning.
Miss Vicki's looking forward to your first session. I'll show you up.
Oh, that's all right. You're probably busy and I...
My pleasure, Miss Nowell.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, I have to tell you that I don't...
This is Albert, my first footman.
Albert, this is Miss Juliet Nowell, the new secretary.
Hi, been to a costume ball?
Uh, Albert's a retired minister.
One might say his habit's an old habit.
Albert, would you send the office equipment up, please.
Uh, do you always answer for the staff?
Most domestics are quite shy with people above-stairs,
so most butlers get used to speaking for them.
And I am a butler, not Jack the Ripper.
Why so sunny, friend? When did peace break out?
It was never war.
It's just that I had someone else in mind for the job, that's all.
This is your office, the Green Room.
I hope you like roses and daisies.
My.
You must be a born loser. You do it awfully well.
I'm a born realist.
If Miss Vicki wants you then I want you.
Miss Nowell is here, Miss Vicki.
Hooray.
Psychiatrist. That's one of those silly words like "pseudo"
and "psittacosis" that starts with a silent "P."
Idiotic. Why not "pscenery" or "pscience."
Or "Psingapore." Exactly.
Ah.
A psychiatrist is a doctor
to whom you tell things that you wouldn't tell your own mother,
and if you did, she would have the common decency not to believe you.
Have you ever been to one? No. Have you?
Yes. My father went with me and made me leave after 10 minutes.
He said it was confusing me.
Was it? No!
He wanted the rest of the hour for himself
and a recurring dream he was having about a tribe of Indians on the Amazon
boiling him alive and eating him.
Well, talking about boiling alive, how do you feel like lobster for lunch?
Happy. So do I.
Let's tell Fitzwilly.
Do you like him any better today?
You will.
You have a lot in common. You're scholarly types, both of you.
Both of us? I should say so.
Fitzwilly graduated summa cum laude from Williams.
Well, then there's no excuse for his being a butler.
Does he need one?
Well, when there's so many wonderful things to do today, like joining the Peace Corps.
Now, why would an intelligent man want to stay in a job
that offers no risks, no challenges, no excitement?
Miss Woodworth's residence, Fitzwilliam speaking.
Hello, Byron. Are you safely back home?
Yes, Mr. Fitzwilliam. Back in the Florida sunshine.
Look, Mr. Fitzwilliam, they're taking the old furniture
out of the Appleton house now.
You are sure you'll be able to make it, aren't you, by January 3rd?
Ah, no. No, I'm not nervous about it, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
I'm just high-strung.
Relax, Byron, and use plenty of suntan oil.
Charles, is your cousin Thomas still footman at the Millers'
and are they still in Bermuda
and is Mrs. Miller still chairman of the symphony association?
Yes, yes and, uh, yes.
Good.
Then call...
Yes, Miss Vicki.
Lobster. Certainly. I'll tell Pierre.
And there's something else, Fitzwilly.
No, Miss Vicki, I never thought of joining the Peace Corps.
Now, how would cousin Thomas feel if you called up
and offered to take over for him for the afternoon.
Suspicious. There must be some way
to get you into the Miller house and him out.
Suppose I offer to work for Thomas today if he'll work for me next week.
Then next week, I'll say you won't allow the swap.
He'll think he skunked me out of a day and be happy as a lark.
Call him, Charles. Call him.
Oliver, I need a Rolls-Royce this afternoon. Not ours and not hot.
The Deckendorfer chauffeur will lend us theirs.
We must send a Christmas card to the Deckendorfers this year.
Frank, can you rent us a rather large truck and within the hour?
We don't have to rent it, sir.
Uh, hello, sir. Dunne speaking.
I'm here with a Mr. Alistair Charles
who has a letter from Sol Hurok.
"Gentlemen, this will introduce Mr. Alistair Charles,
"the manager of Signorina Donatella Frascatti,
"in my opinion the most brilliant woman pianist since Myra Hess.
"She is staying with the Reinhold Millers preparing for her American debut.
"What is needed is a piano forte
"worthy of this great, young Italian artiste.
"Signed, Sol Hurok."
Well, of course it is.
Because it isn't the first time I've had correspondence with him,
that's why.
I beg your pardon. Yes. At once.
Uh, my dear fellow, I'm not causing you problems, am I?
I shouldn't have lost my temper.
But, damn it, at my age, it's galling to be treated like a teenager.
Do you know what that old poop asked me?
If I'm sure it's Mr. Hurok's signature.
How old is the old poop?
Eighty-three.
But he has perfect pitch.
And I am low man on the totem pole.
I'm embarrassed, Mr. Charles,
but I'll have to check with Mrs. Miller and Mr. Hurok.
And why not. The Millers' number if my memory...
I have it right here. Uh, Plaza 79970.
Right. Thank you.
Uh, hello, is this the Millers' residence?
Uh, well, this is Morton Dunne at Steinway and Sons.
Uh, may I speak with Mrs. Miller?
I'm sorry, Mr. Dunne, but Madam is out
with our houseguest, Signorina Friscotti.
Uh, may I ask who's speaking, please?
This is Thomas, the footman.
Well, yes, sir. Madam told me you'd be sending over a piano.
Uh, thank you, Thomas. That's all I need to know.
Everything in order, Mr. Charles. Now Mr. Hurok.
Oh, Mr. Dunne,
I just realized you won't be able to check with Mr. Hurok.
He left for Moscow a week ago.
Oh, dear.
Oh, that means you won't be able to oblige us because of that old poop.
Mr. Charles, I have Sol's letter,
verification from Mrs. Miller and my own judgment of character.
Your little artiste has her piano.
Mr. Dunne, you're not low man on my totem pole.
Uh, I'll give you the piano all our top concert pianists ask for.
Uh, it's in the storeroom. Oh. This one will be all right.
But that's a brand new one. It's much too stiff for a young lady.
Oh, well, this young lady weighs 180, has a touch like truck driver
and would slaughter me if I took her a piano that had been used by anyone.
Tsk.
Mr. Dunne, you're too good-hearted.
You're letting me take too much of your time.
Now, why don't I just go over to the Baldwin company... Oh!
No, no, no. No. If the girl is what Sol says,
she must have a Steinway. This Steinway.
It'll be at the Millers' by 4:00 tomorrow.
Oh, I'm sorry. Tomorrow's too late. The girl wants to work today.
Mr. Charles, that's impossible,
for us, for Baldwin, for any piano company in New York.
At this time of the day, the trucks are all gone.
Oh, I brought my own.
Obviously Byron has his piano.
That he has, Charles. Get the truck off right away. Uncle has a van waiting.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, quick! It's the secretary.
I don't know how long Kitty can keep her mind off it.
About what? The Xerox.
She wants them to come and get it,
but if they do, they'll ask where we got it.
Some say that astrology is just superstition,
oh, but I say, why would newspapers run horoscope columns if...
Mr. Fitzwilliam, I was just having a nice chat with Miss Nowell.
Kitty's one of our more gifted chatterers.
Well, it's nice how friendly everyone is. They've been popping in and out all day.
But I really would like to call the Xerox company before I go.
We don't need that and it's very expensive, so I think I'll send it back.
I'm afraid you can't do that.
Why not? It hasn't been used.
Oh, look, if you got a rake-off when you bought it, why don't you just say so.
That's standard butler practice, isn't it.
At least in English novels it is.
And you haven't noticed that novels are filed under fiction?
I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to insult you.
Oh, it's marvelous what can be done without trying.
But you still haven't said why we can't return the Xerox.
Because it's a gift from a friend.
Victoria Woodworth doesn't return gifts from friends for cash,
strange as that may seem to you.
I've been put in my place.
That was my very bad-tempered intention.
I apologize.
Incidentally, if you'd like to check this with Miss Vicki...
Oh, it'll check. You have all the answers, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
It's my job, Miss Nowell.
I'll get your coat.
Well, we got through the "P's" and well into the "Q's."
Gave us both a real sense of accomplishment.
Um, what did you do all day?
I started by making a tour of the house, for dust, you know.
Then I supervised the polishing of the silver.
After that, I had a rather harsh talk with the market
about some very inferior apples.
And now I've shown you to the door.
You must be exhausted. No, no. I'll be fine.
I'm planning a nice little nap before dinner.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, the letter of condolence group is waiting for you.
They didn't take Dolly at Gimbels, sir. Someone else'll have to apply.
Byron Casey is calling, Mr. Fitzwilliam, from Florida.
It just doesn't make sense.
A Williams man asking for no more out of life
than a chance to worry about rotten apples.
Maybe he's got a hobby that fulfills him, like stamp collecting.
Mmm, he gives away bibles.
Gives away what? Bibles. Miss Vicki told me.
He picks out names from the obituary columns,
and he sends out bibles to the relatives.
Writes a letter of comfort to go with each one.
I guess you could call that a hobby.
Dearly beloved,
unbidden, unwanted,
death has entered your door and left it ajar.
Uh, no hyphen in ajar.
We enter with a gift of love,
comfort
and with words to turn the evening of death
into the glow of morning.
Oh, that's lovely.
Words from this... Uh, what denomination is it, Albert?
Episcopalian, sir.
Words from this King James version of the bible,
bound in genuine leatheroid,
stamped on the cover,
as it is on your heart,
the name of your loved one.
If this gift so freely given
eases your pain,
pray for us.
Yours for a bright tomorrow,
C.R. Fitzwilliam, Prez, Serenity Through the Word.
These today's answers?
Just the ones with the enclosure, sir.
Hmm.
Now that's what I call a proper thank you note.
Oh, Miss Vicki, can't we start sending some of this around to publishers,
just to get a reaction?
We see what Fitzwilly thinks.
After all, it was his idea.
The dictionary was his idea too?
Yes.
He thought I needed a new interest in life after Father died,
because hating Father had been my chief interest up to then
and I was lost without it.
Anyway, Fitzwilly kept nagging me about everything,
from ant collecting to zen buddhism
till he hit on the dictionary.
And that got me interested in all sorts of things,
such as living to be 100.
No wonder you're so fond of him.
I'm not fond of Fitzwilly.
I love him.
So will you, when you get to know him better.
No reason why she should. Leave well enough alone.
Grimsby, you're getting very cranky.
I know, I've noticed.
But all the same, Mr. Neilson from the old sailors' home will be here in a minute.
You'd better come and powder your nose.
Oh, in that case, I'm gonna type up my notes
and mail your letters.
And check with Fitzwilly about the publishers.
Right.
Come in.
Oh. Heads up, feet down.
May I present the Platypi?
Jock Stewart V, Carlton Taylor IV,
Sandy Whitehead III, Tucky Morgan V,
Woody Van Alston IV and Bobby Merrick.
What, no number?
Old family, new first name.
Platypi, may I present Miss Juliet Nowell, Miss Vicki's new secretary.
Hi. Platypi, hmm?
As in many platypuses?
We are the platypus troop,
a manly and virtuous group.
Opposed to almost every sin,
we hate reefers, girls and gin.
That's from our troop song. Fitzwilly wrote the words.
Boys, I'm sure it's time for your cooking lesson.
Oui, exactement.
Okay, let's go. Come on.
Hamburgers with truffles, for Cub Scouts?
Yes. Miss Vicki won't approve the official Cub Scout rules.
Like the one about helping old ladies across the street?
She says that's the height of impertinence.
So these are Sub Scouts. Much more top drawer.
Should be, with me as their den mother.
That's an honor I force Miss Vicki to share, as a way to get her outdoors.
Oh, um, she wanted me to ask what you think
of my sending part of the dictionary around to publishers now,
to see what the chances are.
Uh, would you like a Sub Scout type drink?
No, thank you.
There are no chances.
I took it around to almost every publisher in town, some time back.
They all turned it down.
Said literate people can spell.
People who can't spell don't buy dictionaries.
Oh, I wish you'd found that out before you let her do all that work for nothing.
It wasn't for nothing.
It's to keep her alive.
Beside, there was no time for inquiries.
Do butlers always feel so responsible for their employers?
I wasn't the Woodworths' butler then. My father was.
When I was six, my mother died.
Miss Vicki took me over. Fed me, bathed me, did homework with me,
made herself responsible for me.
So now, I'm responsible for her.
Aside from which, I love the old girl.
You're a remarkable man, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Now that I'm ready to take you off my list of villains,
I don't know quite where to put you.
Well, you have to start a new list.
"Butlers I Have Known."
Hello, Father?
Listen, Cotty is still editor of University Press, isn't he?
Juliet, you'll have to wait a minute. I'm working.
You might have asked how my cold is.
"Quink"?
You must be kidding.
Look it up. "Quink"?
Learn a little something.
By the way, have you been fired during the last week?
No. Why, have you heard something?
Juliet, I'm back.
My cold's much better, dear, thank you.
Cotty still is.
Hold on, I'll ask him.
Would you be interested in publishing
Old Lady Woodworth's Dictionary for Dopes?
Who needs it?
You found "quink," huh? "Quink."
All right now, play.
When I'm good and ready.
I don't mind having a look at the old girl's stuff.
There's nothing to lose.
Juliet, Cotty's staying for dinner, so bring a couple chapters home.
Why do you have to tell the sinister butler about it?
Because it'll make him happy.
And there's nothing sinister about Mr. Fitzwilliam,
who could give you lessons in character.
Probably Scrabble, too.
Albert!
Albert, I want a word with you. Now.
And please ask the gentleman to wait
in case Miss Woodworth wants to see him again.
Give me whatever you took out of his pocket.
I'm going to count to three and then I'm going to call the police. One...
Please, Miss, it's worth $20,000.
Did Miss Woodworth just give you a check for the old sailors' home?
Don't tell me she wants it back.
No, but perhaps you do. I found it in the hallway.
Well, that's funny. I could have sworn...
Well, thank you very much!
Oh, Albert.
You of all people!
Mr. Fitzwilliam's right hand man!
How do you think he's going to feel about this?
Upset. Quite upset.
A retired minister stealing money meant for charity?
You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, I am, Miss. I've been ashamed of myself for so long.
Is it some sort of compulsion?
Well, it all began one Sunday in my own church,
when the collection, normally under $200, was suddenly over $400.
I couldn't believe it. I was the guilty party.
So I just waited.
The next Sunday, the collection was almost $500.
It was me, and I was improving.
But with you up in the pulpit and them down in the pews, how did you do it?
When I greeted them at the door and shook their hands.
Oh, my.
Did you give the money back?
No, Miss.
I didn't want to shake anyone's faith in the ministry,
so I just retired and went into domestic service.
Juliet, must you tell Miss Woodworth? She'll be so unhappy.
Well, I...
I guess I could tell Mr. Fitzwilliam instead.
But he'll dismiss you.
It's no more than I deserve.
Albert, listen.
If you promise to fight the urge every time you get it,
just come to me and talk it out,
then I'm not gonna tell anyone.
It'll just be our secret, all right?
Oh, Miss Juliet.
Charles, where's Mr. Fitzwilliam?
At the sportsmen show, picking up a few things.
Taking them down, huh?
How come before the show is over?
Sold!
Every one in the store and all these.
Some guy from Saudi Arabia.
Arab.
Thought they had their own tents, Arabs.
Well, maybe he wants a change.
Grass is always greener, you know.
That's the truth.
How you gonna get them out to the alley?
Carry them.
Store said no dollies.
Don't want to draw any attention.
Sure.
What do they care if you break your back?
Wait a minute. I'll see what I can get.
What you gonna do with these?
Take them. It's neater.
$20,000, Mr. Fitzwilliam. $20,000!
How could Albert let that girl see him?
It wasn't his fault, it's her fault.
She has to go, that's all.
That's for Mr. Fitzwilliam to say.
Miss Woodworth's residence, Mr. Fitzwilliam speaking.
Yes, operator, I will.
Byron Casey from Florida, collect.
Hello, Byron. Oh, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
I just had a letter from the Appletons,
and they aren't coming home by boat.
They're coming home by plane!
A week earlier
to have a good old-fashioned sunny Florida Christmas.
Huh, Byron. Byron? Don't cry.
We'll just have everything there a week earlier, that's all.
Our two most difficult items are all taken care of.
The piano is on the way, and it's a beauty.
As for the Chinese Chippendale chair, where do you think we found it?
We've lost it, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The secretary saw me with it, she thought Miss Vicki would like it.
Miss Vicki loved it.
Huh, Byron? No, if you can't guess, I'm not gonna tell you.
Anyway, we're off to a flying start, and uh...
There's nothing, I repeat nothing to worry about.
So don't worry.
Mr. Fitzwilliam, with all due respect,
if a week's being cut off,
I don't see how we can finish the job.
Not with that girl here.
She'll have to go.
Even so, sir, do you think we can?
We can, and we will.
But not by wasting our whole evening.
Albert!
By putting a larger group to work, we could triple this week's take from Serenity.
You can have everybody except Garland and Charles, let's see, and Oliver.
Thank you, sir.
Well, come along.
Albert.
Why didn't the secretary report you to Miss Vicki?
She felt sorry for me, sir.
Very nice girl.
All right, gentlemen.
I'll give you each $100 that you can easily raise to $500
by judicious use of the Samson and Delilah bit in the proper bars.
Hotels are best. There's always a Bible somewhere around.
Well, I like carrying my own.
Miss Juliet!
I just thought I'd stop down before I...
Oliver, you're in shirt sleeves.
So are you. The sight isn't all that obscene.
Well, thank you, Miss Juliet.
We were, uh, just trying on costumes.
For, uh, a ball. Oh.
What were you saying?
What does the A and F stand for?
It stands for...
Accommodators and footmen's ball.
That's what the A and F stands for. Accommodators and footmen.
Accommodators?
Well, it's, uh, domestics who accommodate you
when your own are ill or away or gone mad.
You were saying?
Oh, yes. I took a message for Miss Vicki.
It was a Miss Ziffren from the Gotham Home for Unwed Mothers
wanting an appointment.
And did she get one? Oh, yes.
Noon tomorrow. I thought you'd like to know.
Yes, yes, thank you.
Well, let me show you to the door.
Garland?
It was very considerate of you to bring us the message.
Oh, well, that's perfectly all right.
Yes, well, good night.
Good night.
Since when do we carry merchandise through the house?
Open doors without even...
That's funny.
Something about her, that girl, bothered me.
Who is it? Garland.
She'll be watching Albert from now on, sir.
Supposing Miss Vicki writes a check out for those unwed mothers tomorrow?
By noon tomorrow, Miss Vicki will be on her way to York Harbor
and that girl will be gone.
I am going to call Mrs. Mudge.
Now, you're talking.
It's time you were!
Samson and Delilah should be in every cocktail bar in this town by now.
Yes, sir.
Excuse me, sir, but I've never done the Delilah bit before,
so I was wondering if you'd run me through it once.
I'll do better, I'll start you off.
Yes, sir, gentlemen, what will it be?
Two Scotch on the rocks, Ballantine's, doubles.
Hey, what's going on?
Oh, some fella down there says it wasn't Delilah that cut off Samson's hair,
and the rest of them are betting that it was.
I sent upstairs to the housekeeper for a Bible to settle it once and for all.
I got a $5 riding myself.
McNamara $10, Harrison $20.
Betting still open? Surely!
This gentleman right here is holding the stakes.
What benighted fools.
I'll take another $5.
Bartender, where did you send to for that Bible, to the Holy Land?
No, Mac, just to the eight floor.
He'll be here. There he is, Jimmy.
Thanks.
Well, let's see...
Samson and Delilah's at the beginning.
You're crazy, that's Adam and Eve.
Well, it's somewhere in the Old Testament.
I have fallen among the godless.
Judges 16:19.
What'd you say, Mac?
Okay.
"...and Delilah called for a man,
"and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of Samson's head."
Well, I'll be damned.
So, undoubtedly, will we all.
All together, we made $2,400.
Boy, am I bushed.
It's lifting all those Scotches while they send up for the Bible.
The nervous tension got me, especially at the Algonquin.
Oh, but I did the Algonquin.
Yeah, I know, and when I started, they called the police.
I dismissed the writing group, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
We sent out over four times the usual mailing. That should bring in about $800.
We're still a long way from what we lost.
Well, if Miss Vicki goes off with Mrs. Mudge tomorrow and the girl leaves,
we're out of trouble.
Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward.
Mrs. Mudge refuses to leave!
She has a funeral and two weddings coming up,
not to mention a bris and a contested divorce.
Oh, damn and blast, Mrs. Mudge.
Lord, forgive him.
About time for a drink, gentlemen.
Don't worry, Albert, yours is soft and low-cal.
All isn't lost, children, I have an alternate plan.
I'm going to ask the girl for a date.
Well, that alone may do the trick, but if it doesn't and she says yes,
to use an expression I detest, I'm going to make a pass at her.
She'll quit at once, naturally.
Why? Are you kidding?
Because he's a domestic, a servant.
That washes you up with women, Oliver.
She'll quit, all right. My hat's off to you, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Well, mine isn't. Miss Juliet is a lovely girl. I don't approve of this.
Neither do I, Albert, but I have no choice.
She is a lovely, lovely girl.
Wish I could remember what disturbed me about her this afternoon.
Yes, Miss Vicki. Fitzwilly!
Juliet thinks that being a butler is stifling you.
Well, Miss Juliet is entitled to her opinion,
but to me, the job has excitement.
Better make that pass before I get fired and become socially acceptable.
"Z" on a triple.
Fifty points.
All right, all right. Don't crow.
Juliet,
I don't know if this cockamamie thing is a dictionary,
but it'd make one hell of a movie.
What it is, is a running biography of her old man.
He was a genuine monster, wasn't he?
And there's practically nothing about him in print.
Hello? Who?
Oh, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
This is a surprise.
Well, I warned you, remember?
Speaking to Miss Vicki about you is just my opening gun.
I remember everything you ever said to me, Juliet.
And I'm thrilled that you care about what I do.
Oh, um...
I don't think you understand...
My feelings about you aren't personal, it's...
No, I haven't had dinner yet.
Listen, could you hold on for just a minute?
I, uh, think the coffee's burning. Just a minute.
Well, you have had dinner, and nothing's burning.
But he thinks that I'm interested in him.
I mean, personally. Don't you think I ought to straighten him out?
No, no, no, no, no. Not now.
Tomorrow, on his time. Not in the middle of a Scrabble game!
You're right. What's the hurry, right? Right.
I'm back, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
My address is...
Oh, you do? Oh.
No, thanks. I'll just meet you downstairs.
In a half hour, right. Okay, bye.
Now, what would you wear to dinner with a butler?
My pinstriped gray, I think.
* Make me rainbows
* Make me spring in the snow
* Make me beautiful music
* Wherever I go
I just had an interesting thought.
What?
Well, suppose you didn't really think that I'd go out with you?
Suppose you just invited me to embarrass me?
Oh, why would I want to embarrass you?
Well, if I were embarrassed enough, maybe I'd quit my job
and Miss Vicki would stop needling you.
No, that's too devious.
Oh, I don't know. Anything you're devious enough to dream up,
I might be devious enough to do.
But that would be the act of a complete stinker.
And if there's one thing that's been established,
it's that you're one of nature's noblemen.
* Let your arms be my wings
* And together we'll fly
* Don't let me fall dear I'm all I can be *
Pop!
Welcome to Chez Nous.
May I take votre chapeau, monsieur?
Merci bien.
Straight ahead and to the right, honey, cupid's on the door.
In the interest of better communication,
perhaps we should adopt a common language.
Such as English, which I speak like a native.
Glad to oblige a good looking doll.
Come on, I'll give you the best table in the joint,
the one that doesn't wobble.
It's a beautiful restaurant.
French Empire. The McCoy.
It's perfect for us.
A little underpopulated for you, isn't it?
A couple of dogs dropped in earlier. Not as classy as you two, though.
How would you like some wine?
I got a Chateau Margaux I don't believe.
Sold. I'll get the garcon.
Only don't look at him, he gets the giggles.
I'm telling you, a real doll.
You just made a conquest,
which isn't too surprising.
It is to me.
I don't do too well with men, as a rule.
Well, then there's something wrong with the men you've met.
Oh, I think what's wrong is with me.
Shh, don't look at him.
Uh, you pour a little for the gentleman first, son,
in case there are any specks of cork.
Yes, that's fine.
Now, the lady.
Oh, and not all the way to the top.
Now me.
That's enough.
And you leave the bottle.
Just fine.
Gee, thanks mister.
Fitzwilly, you're nice.
Oh.
Could you do that again?
No, I can't!
This is terrible!
What's so terrible?
We're both free and over 21, aren't we?
Um... I'm not your social equal.
Oh, come on. Don't be so silly.
I don't think you should be a butler
because the job isn't good enough for you, that's all.
And I wanna talk to you about that.
Well, you can't. Why not?
Because...
Because dinner is ready.
Well, that's all right, I've already eaten.
So I'll talk while you eat, all right?
No. I intend to go right on being exactly what I am.
And we can't even talk about it? No.
Call me when you're finished fighting.
I'm finished. I'm not.
There you are.
Look...
If we can't talk about this,
I just don't see any point in talking about anything.
I mean, if that were the case, I wouldn't even want to see you again.
And I certainly couldn't go on being under the same roof with you.
I'd have to leave Miss Vicki.
I... I can understand that.
All right, so we can talk about it. No.
I mean, not for the time being.
I'm afraid the time being is all the time there is.
Juliet?
I don't blame you.
Well, goodbye.
That was outrageous.
Yes, I know.
You won't change your mind? About quitting?
Will you change yours?
No, I won't change my mind.
I'll call Miss Vicki in the morning and tell her.
Juliet, maybe this is just
a temporary goodbye.
I doubt that very much.
Fitzwilly, you may not be a stinker,
but, boy, it sure worked out just as if you were.
All right. With Albert and Grimsby holding down the fort here,
the rest of you in stores throughout the area,
and myself combing through the St. Dismas warehouse,
at least half the Byron Casey job should be completed by tomorrow.
Any questions?
No. No.
All right. Good luck. Good night.
And my apologies to those of you who drew Newark.
Good night. Good night.
Miss Juliet was an influence for good.
She hasn't died, Albert, she just quit.
Nevertheless, I don't think I can continue any longer with this organization.
I shall have to think, pray.
I'm planning a little thinking myself.
Right after Byron Casey.
Listen, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
With you in Philadelphia, no one here but Albert thinking and praying,
and Grimsby not knowing which way is up,
who's going to keep Miss Vicki out of trouble?
I'll take her along with me.
She can have a nice visit with old Mrs. Nieberhaus.
Drive faster.
You never liked Juliet,
and I'm sure it was something you said or did that made her quit.
What did you say or do?
I took her to dinner. Aha!
Why are we stopping?
Why did you ask her to dinner if you don't like her?
I'm not going to discuss it, Miss Vicki.
Good morning, folks. You got any idea how fast you were going?
Be quiet, officer.
Fitzwilly, you'll discuss anything I...
Now, wait just a minute, folks.
I told you to be quiet, officer.
And I loathe being called "folks."
I'm sorry, officer.
Claude Fitzwilliam, how dare you apologize for me?
If I can't ask a simple question as to why you don't like my secretary...
I love your secretary, but I will not discuss it.
Especially not in a crowd.
Say, who do you folks think you are?
Where do you get off thinking you can jazz along here at 90 miles an hour,
or that I got the time to stand here and listen to your kooky talk, huh?
If we exceeded the speed limit, officer,
you have a right to give us a ticket.
You have not the right to shout at us,
nor to reproach us for wasting your time.
Your time is my time, and the time of all taxpaying citizens.
You haven't stopped eating all day.
Go back to Miss Woodworth's before you get fat.
The man's profession is his own business.
Oh, it is, is it?
Yes. Okay.
Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that I'm in love with him
and vice-versa.
Wouldn't that make it my business?
Well, the theory is that if you love someone, then nothing else matters,
so there's no problem.
If anything matters, then you don't love him enough,
and there's still no problem.
Well, if there's no problem, then how come I feel so unhappy?
Must be something wrong with the theory,
doesn't seem to include you.
Yes, it does!
I'm gonna go over to Miss Vicki's and tell Fitzwilly
that if he wants to be a laundress, it's all right with me.
It always helps you to talk things out with me. Have you noticed?
Oh, this is marvelous.
What?
There are wonderful people around, Juliet, we just never meet them. Listen to this.
"Yesterday afternoon at the sportsmen show, under the eyes of many guards,
"three men dismantled the Abercrombie and Fitch exhibit and walked out with it."
Do you know why no one stopped them?
Because they each wore a white coverall with A and F on the back.
That's all the plot there was.
And listen to what they took.
Three safari tents. Do you know how big they are?
Two life-size figures of African tribesmen,
one ditto white hunter,
pots, pans, cots, a false campfire,
along with a group of stuffed animals, including an African cousin of Smokey the Bear.
I see.
So your Xerox machine number 24289 was purchased,
but not received by Mrs. George Phipps, right?
Pardon me?
Oh, um, this is the... Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Miss Juliet!
Life-size.
Oh, don't strain. Grimsby let me in,
by which I gather she isn't really part of this den of thieves.
I beg your pardon. Let's not waste time, Albert.
Just tell me who gets robbed and how.
Miss Juliet, I think the world of you.
But my loyalty is to Mr. Fitzwilliam.
And to no one higher.
Sarah Nieberhaus cheats at backgammon.
Then how did you manage to win?
Well, once she started cheating, I...
Juliet!
You two have a nice little chat
while I go up and do...
Something or other.
Where's Albert? In the staff room.
With a bad headache, which he got from answering my questions
about Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves.
The others are still out thieving.
Would you answer a question?
Yes. No, I'm not going to the police.
Well, that wasn't the question, but why not?
Well, Albert swears that you haven't taken a dime from Miss Vicki.
She hasn't had a dime since I started all this.
What about the people I have clipped?
Albert says it's mostly insurance companies who get hurt.
And you don't think that's stealing?
Listen, you just ask the question I said you could ask.
The question I wanted to ask was...
Why did you come back here today?
To say you win.
I don't care if you're a butler or a chiropodist.
Juliet?
I love you.
That's what I meant.
Oh, boy. Look whose dull, unadventurous life I've been worrying about.
Lefty Louie.
You'll marry me anyway? Well, that's shocking.
Of course, if we're going to get married, you've got to stop being a crook.
I mean, I'd like to have children. Three or four.
So? Crooks have children.
Well, I don't think that's very nice.
I mean, if every time you're late for dinner, I have to say,
"Daddy's probably in the pokey."
It'll be too scary for them.
For me, too.
Would you mind terribly not being a crook?
Not really.
But there are problems, like Byron Casey, Miss Vicki's future.
You know, when her father died, she inherited exactly $180.
I haven't been able to accumulate too much since then.
Oh, come on!
I saw one day's take from that crazy Bible thing.
And what about St. Dismas?
Quite a few of us, you know? And we live quite well.
Yes, I've noticed.
Most of what we make, Miss Vicki manages to give away to the various charities.
We try to limit her generosity.
Albert retrieves checks,
and I always inspect the mail before it goes out.
Fitzwilly!
You're going to hate me!
That's what I noticed that disturbed me yesterday!
When you left!
You had letters.
But only one check.
See, I told you you were gonna hate me.
No, I don't. No, I don't.
How... How, uh, much?
Sit down, Fitzwilly.
Fifty thousand dollars.
The cancer research foundation.
Some crook you are.
Plotting, working the staff to the bone, and all for charity.
Well, the object wasn't to amass a fortune,
it was just to support Miss Vicki in her customary style.
Fitzwilly, when you found out that she was penniless,
why didn't you just tell her the truth and get a job and support her.
I was afraid the shock would be too much for her.
She was so frail and sickly.
She's strong as an ox now.
She's also very moral.
Unlike certain people I know.
She'll wanna know what she's been living on,
and she'll want me to pay it all back.
Well, that's out.
Miss Woodworth's residence, Fitzwilliam speaking.
Yes, operator, I'll accept the charges.
Byron Casey from Florida, collect.
Albert certainly covered everything, didn't he?
Yes, Byron!
I have a great many things to report to you.
And I have just one thing to report, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
The Appletons will be here tomorrow!
I don't care when they're due home!
They hated Venice, so that's when they'll be home.
And you know what's in this house so far?
Oh, there's a piano.
Right!
Well, you have to admit, it's a beautiful piano.
And your silverware, glassware and chinaware went out today.
Plus four TV sets.
Of course, color TV!
Byron? Byron, please don't cry.
Well, you know I'm not going to let you down.
Just give me a minute to come up with something to tell the Appletons.
Oh, no, I can't face them. Uh-uh.
Not till every stick of furniture is in this house.
I'll go into hiding, that's what I'll do.
I'll hole up someplace until you give me the hi-sign.
Goodbye, Mr. Fitzwilliam, I'll let you know where I am.
Fitzwilly, let him furnish the house.
Just give him back his old $75,000 and just forget it.
I would just love to,
except some mountain climbers in Tibet have $5,000 of it,
some old sailors have another $20,000,
and some doctors in cancer research have $50,000,
so I can give him back exactly nothing.
We're all gonna land in jail unless I think of something fast.
Too bad they don't carry big fat lumps of money
at Lord and Taylor's and Gimbels.
You could pick one up and ship it to St. Dismas.
I could send what to St. Dismas?
Bad joke, forget it.
Oh, I don't know...
Oh, I don't know!
Hey, wait a minute!
You're not going to be a crook anymore, remember?
Juliet. Juliet, my love.
Do you think you could sit still for one last caper?
No!
Even one that would take care of Byron
and keep Miss Vicki in style for the rest of her natural?
If I promise it'll be the last?
On my honor as a sub scout and a platypus.
Okay.
Okay, Lefty Louis.
When's all this going to take place?
On the night before Christmas, when all through New York,
large lumps of money are bouncing like cork.
No, I mean, what's the plan? Who are you going to rob?
Well, I can't tell you that. You'd be an accessory before the fact.
Party to criminal actions. So? I don't care.
Well, I don't care if you don't care. I'm not going to tell you.
Well, I'm going to marry you, then. Oh, you certainly are,
and you know it.
Okay, but I'll tell you this. I am going to find out.
Oh, I don't think so.
Oh, with that bunch of blabbermouths you have around here?
With Albert right in the palm of my hand?
I'm gonna know everything you're up to long before Christmas Eve.
* Jingle Bells Jingle all the way
* Oh what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh Hey! *
Now, where are the scissors?
They were here a moment ago, Mrs. Mortimer.
Oh, I've got them over here!
I'll get them. Oh, thank you, Oliver.
Look, Oliver!
That's great.
And no one's talked. She still doesn't know a thing.
Everybody's been absolutely marvelous.
Well, especially Albert, who got the worst of it.
It's been easy, sir.
I don't want this on Ms. Juliet's conscience,
nor on yours, Mr. Fitzwilliam.
Were you to enter holy matrimony red-handed...
Why don't you just worry about your own conscience, Albert?
I don't have to, Charles.
I promised myself I shall be punished for all my sins, including this.
Miss Vicky has had her hot toddy, sir.
Grimsby's just tucking her in.
Good, then we can start.
Miss Woodward's residence, Fitzwilliam speaking.
Byron? Byron, where on earth have you been? Why didn't you call me?
I found a place to hide, Mr. Fitzwilliam. I'm at the Miami Doctor's Hospital.
I told them I needed a checkup, and...
Why should I have called you? Do you have the stuff?
Christmas Eve? Tomorrow night?
Oh, that's wonderful, that's...
What do you mean, you'll wire it? How can you wire furniture?
Now don't you see that you can tell the Appletons that you have been ill?
But you have their money.
But I don't want $75,000!
Byron, please don't cry.
I want furniture.
As for what you lost before you came with us,
uh, there's the piano, the crystal, the china, the silverware.
Now that should take up the slack!
That's right!
Good thinking, Byron!
Now listen, you wait for my wire.
Then you go to the Appletons, tell them a story,
and I think then there will be peace on earth all over Florida.
Byron, uh, why are you crying?
Oh, uh, that's very gratifying. Goodbye.
Now he's crying because he's happy.
Well, children, shall we get started?
* Good king Wenceslas Last looked out
* On the feast of Stephen
* When the snow Lay round about
* Deep and...
Very funny.
Would you excuse us for a moment?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Come on, Fitzwilly, I want to help!
All right, then.
Keep Miss Vicky busy tomorrow from 2:00 to 6:00, that's very important.
Oh, big deal. She will be busy and you know it.
Father and Cotty are coming for cocktails,
and Grimsby will see that they stay upstairs.
But I'd feel so much better if you stay.
Good night, darling.
Ooh! Wow, sometimes you act just like a...butler.
All right, children.
The final review of our final project.
Operation Get Out While You're Ahead.
Our objective is the cash in the cashier's office on the tenth floor of Gimbels
tomorrow, December 24th, at 5:00 p.m.
Our method?
To create a situation wherein Gimbels will consider it more advantageous
to hand the cash over to me than to keep it themselves.
Now, we must expect the unexpected, so adjust to it, adlib.
No matter what arises, I must, and I repeat,
must be in that cashier's office at precisely 5:00 p.m.
Let's go step by step.
It's 4:15 at Gimbels.
Walking Santa Claus, sir, only a dollar!
* We wish you A Merry Christmas
* And a Happy New Year
What a place to pick!
* Wherever you go
Come on, let's, uh, try the other doors.
* And a Happy New Year
* We wish you A Merry Christmas
Come on, let's try the next doors!
* We wish you A Merry Christmas
Come on, come on, come on, out of the way!
I wanna see your license!
Hold it! Stop! I wanna see your license!
Hey, they went that-a-way, Scrooge!
Move out of here!
Officer! Arrest those men!
* Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way
* Oh, what fun It is to ride... *
Oh!
I'm sorry, I...
Merry Christmas!
You're a minute late.
I ran into an old friend.
Free TV! Come on!
Boy, you know what it's going to be like in here in a minute?
Tiny tot sardines.
Just put it in a bag and give me the sales slip, that's all!
Never mind the gift wrapping, just give me a sales slip!
Hurry up, they'll all be gone!
I never even heard of a free TV!
I don't know!
Hey, man, cool it! Hey, would you lighten up?
Hey, give me a break, please!
...and my free color TV!
Seems like something's cooking!
Yes.
Well, I'm sure whoever's on this section has had the good sense
to call the security guard.
Where are the color television sets? I don't know!
I swear on a stack of bibles, I don't know! Security, tenth floor!
Get some of those James Bonds' off their pratts!
I'll take this! What is this, a canine country club?
Ryan, Goldfarb, get down to the street floor,
there's a tie-up at the doors, and that's meat and potatoes for the shoplifters.
What kind of a tie-up?
Oh, just a bunch of kids singing some carols,
and boys! Take it easy. Smile, speak softly, remember our image.
Prettikin. There's a lot of money in the store.
Well, that's the object, Oderblatz, so be happy, keep calm.
Hey, Goldfarb, wait! Wait for me!
Help!
Goldfarb, where are you?
Ryan! Call Prettikin, get help!
Okay, Ryan, I'll send everybody.
Have all security men report to me on the street floor, north side.
Christmas. Yes, Mr. Prettikin.
Prettikin. You can't leave me here with all this money. I'm not a well man.
Close up the vault and stop worrying. This is a traffic jam, not a robbery!
It's never a robbery until they rob.
Eh bien, mon vieux, is it not time?
Stand by. All the detectives are on this floor,
all the money is on the tenth floor, and Albert is in position, waiting.
Mr. Charles! Mr. Charles! Oh, no!
Mr. Charles, I want to speak with you!
Oh, no! Fitzwilly!
It's here! You're going to rob Gimbels!
Shh!
Come with me, I've got an appointment at the perfume counter.
Well, I haven't! And I'm going to take those little boys home!
When Grimsby told me they were here, I couldn't believe you'd let them!
You can't take them out till they finish Deck the Halls.
Oh, can't I? Just watch me!
* Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la *
Okay, now, two at a time. Take them out easy, but take them out!
Hey, Juliet, look at us!
Hey, are you with these kids?
Are you with this ghastly store?
If so, didn't it occur to you that they could get hurt standing in these doorways?
Believe me, you haven't heard the last of this.
Come, Platypi.
Move out of the way!
We're running behind. Go quickly.
Ow!
What is it? What is it?
I dunno!
Merry Christmas!
Come on, those color TV sets are upstairs!
Excuse me, please. Free color TVs!
This elevator's out of order. Sorry.
Report to your department head, Miss Caffritz, in the employees lounge, emergency!
Mr. Charles! Mr. Charles! Mr. Charles, don't you remember me?
Uh, yes, I do. Very nice to see you, Mr. Dunne, but I have a little bit of a problem.
Oh, not with your little artiste, I hope!
I just wanted to ask if I could have two tickets to her performance?
Two? Yes!
Mr. Dunne, you may have four.
Oh, thank you, thank you! Merry Christmas!
4:53.
Precisely, sir.
They'll be bringing them up!
Come on, those color TVs are right upstairs!
Color TVs!
Hey, this is no place!
Everybody come on this way!
That's why I'm calling the police. So that you will find out.
People! What are you doing here?
You're all on the wrong floor... There's a sign downstairs!
My glasses!
People, people, you simply must go!
Sir, sir, what are you doing?
Mr. Oderblatz, I am Sidney Martin of Eastern Re-insurance company.
We are very disturbed about your situation.
What, you think I'm not?
How does Eastern know about it? Who sent for you?
I've been here all day. One of us always is when a heavy intake of cash is anticipated.
Oh, I didn't know that. Well, no reason why you should.
We're merely protecting our interest.
You may have a riot brewing, Mr. Oderblatz, or a robbery.
No, no, no, no, no... When that occurred to me, I called in for instructions.
Good. What did they tell you to do?
To remove from the premises all bills over the denomination of 10.
Do you mean I'm supposed to just hand money to you?
I can't do that. I don't know you!
I'm prepared to identify myself.
And I may say, if you handed me a dollar without my identifying myself,
I would've had you fired.
While I sign a receipt for the cash, you will, of course,
check my signature with those on the cards. Seems to be in order.
You can also call my office, but in that case,
the loss of time will be your responsibility and not mine.
Mr. Oderblatz. Telephone for you.
It's Eastern Re-Insurance Company. It's urgent!
Let's go.
He was in dire need, sir, and it is Christmas Eve.
Uh, leave the bag, the wig and the glasses,
put on your coat and hat, and go home.
Hey!
You did it!
Floor, please, Simmons.
Here, you want your coat?
Now remember, when you hit the first floor, split up. Use separate exits.
And if you get home before I do, don't drink all the champagne.
Good luck!
That's the funniest thing ever.
It's the funniest thing I ever heard.
Children.
The money is on its way to St. Dismas
And Byron's check is on its way to Florida.
And here we all are.
Here-here!
No, we're not!
Where's Albert?
Gentlemen, I've confessed my crime,
and I insist on my constitutional right to be arrested.
Where's the money?
How did you get those Eastern Re-Insurance identifications?
Where's the money?
The district attorney's office wants to know how many people you have working...
First, where's the money, please?
It was stolen from me by one of your customers.
I don't feel well. I'm not buying that. Where'd you stash the stuff?
I've got to lie down. Really, I do.
Ryan, Goldfarb, get Oderblatz something to lie down on, and some aspirin for me.
All right, quit stalling! I'm guilty. Arrest me.
Not without notifying your next of kin.
I'm an orphan. You're homeless, too, I suppose!
I live at 168 Riverside Drive.
168...
Now, wait a minute!
That's the home of Miss Victoria Woodworth. Albert, you're lying to us!
Mr. Adams, I am not lying. I am Miss Woodworth's first footman.
You don't say.
You see? I told you I had to lie down.
- Hey! - Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Information, I'd like the number for Miss Victoria Woodworth,
168 Riverside Drive... No, you mustn't call, you mustn't!
Oh, it's all right, Albert.
Hey, another one down!
But Miss Vicky, what did your old man plan to do
with Central America once he bought it?
Turn it into a resort hotel.
One country for hunting, one for golf, so on, so on.
Came pretty close, too.
When we finish chapter "O", you'll see why it fizzled out.
Juliet, this party's gonna fizzle out if your fiance doesn't turn up soon.
Oh, he's, um,
out doing a little last-minute Christmas shopping.
That'll be Fitzwilly now.
Fitzwilly! We are waiting for you!
What on earth are you...
What? Who?
Oh!
Oh, yes, that could be Sophia Adams' boy, yes, put him on.
It's the son of one of my oldest friends.
Elliot.
How is your dear mother?
Well, you know how he is. He might've passed a church on the way home and dropped in.
Fitzwilly. Gimbels just called.
Darling, no one's been on that phone except the son of an old friend of Miss Vicky's,
Elliot Adams. Who happens to be the assistant district attorney
calling from Gimbels. They've got Albert.
They've got Albert for what?
For stealing all of the cash in Gimbels.
He went in and confessed!
That's crazy!
Why would he do that?
I don't know, you can ask him yourself.
Miss Vicky says that you're the only one
who can get him to tell what he did with the money.
She wants you to go with her to Gimbels right now.
I'll be punished for my sins now, and that's what I've always wanted.
I'm a happy man, sir, can't you see that?
I can't let you do it, Albert, can't you see that?
But you must! It's my wedding gift to you and Miss Juliet!
Young man, haven't we met someplace?
No, sir, we have not.
Now, listen, Albert.
He's not getting anywhere.
Elliot, don't be such a stuffed shirt.
I'm sorry, Miss Vicky,
but the DA's office can't ignore a crime just because it's a first offense.
It's not like tennis, where the first serve doesn't count.
Yes, but what about the money?
Oh, lie down, Mr. Oderblatz.
You're not a well man.
Oh.
Ellie,
I should hate to have to tell the DA why you were expelled from Hotchkiss.
Miss Vicky.
Still, that might be just a boyish prank.
On the other hand,
your expulsion from Harvard
seems to me to show a definite lack of character.
Dear Miss Vicky.
Even if I could be blackmailed,
it wouldn't alter the situation.
Gimbels has lost $190,000!
Well, they can punish my footman, or get their money back. Not both.
What do you mean, we can get our money back?
I will not be cheated of my punishment.
If you do this, I'll go out and rob Cartiers!
It's not so easy, I tried it. Fitzwilly!
I need a blank check. Why?
I beg your pardon, Miss Vicky, I meant, uh... Can't it wait?
I don't have any of your checks with me.
Counter check.
A counter check. Counter check.
Oh, don't worry about Albert.
The charge will just be... What was it, Ellie?
Impersonation with intent to defraud.
And Ellie will tell the DA to suspend it.
Miss Vicky, I can't tell the DA, I can just advise him.
Ellie, I should hate your dear wife up in Cos Cob
to know about the dancer your poor mother had to pay off.
Counter check.
Fitzwilly? To Gimbels.
For $190,000.
Juliet? I give you Fitzwilly.
Fitzwilly? I give you Juliet.
Fitzwilly, dear, though you didn't say so,
I know you were provoked with me at Gimbles for writing that check.
He hates my dipping into capital.
But this wasn't capital! It was new money I earned with the dictionary,
so that makes it all right! Cotty, show him.
Five hundred thousand dollars! From Opal Pictures.
And that's only for A to K!
L to Z she'll sell later for more.
If the movie about Miss Vicky's father
is the sensation Opal Pictures thinks it will be,
they will undoubtedly make a sequel.
Anyway, Fitzwilly, dear, take charge of it,
and use it to good advantage as you always do.
Hello?
Oh, Fitzwilly, it's for you.
It's a Byron Casey, calling from Florida.
Hello, Byron.
Yes, I did call, Byron. I just wanted to say...
Merry Christmas!
* Make me sunsets
* Paint our names in the sky
* Let your arms be my wings
* And together we'll fly
* Don't let me fall, dear
* I'm all I can be
* Make me some rainbows
* Star-spangled rainbows
* Please make those rainbows
* For me